Thinking Outside the Box

Decisions made in family court that affect the life of the young child, but that are not based on well-researched theories of psycho-social development, such as attachment theory, hurt the very validity of the court. These decisions also can result in short- or even long-term psychological damage to the individual.

In many states, young children do not have legal representation of their own. Every child should have the right to have his or her developmental needs fully described in court. That child’s unique life history must be understood if informed decisions are to be made on his or her behalf, and appropriate parenting plans created. This requires an understanding of the research as well as of the individual child. It cannot be accomplished by lawyers alone. Children also need advocates who understand developmental theory and research, and their particular needs.

When evaluating a parenting plan, toddlers and preschoolers have the ability to indicate how well it is working. Even nonverbal infants can express their needs in a subtle manner. Advocates are essential at this stage, as well, to let the court know if the plan is working. When will this vital process become standard in the family court system? It seems we have a long road to travel.

More Thinking Outside the Box

ALTERNATIVES TO HURTING YOUR CHILD

by Peter Ernest Haiman, Ph.D.

All parents get angry at times when raising their children. How you express your anger and how often you get angry with your kids is REALLY IMPORTANT. When you express your anger in ways that do not harm or frighten your children, you will teach them an important skill.

Here are some ideas that have helped other parents get through angry times without hurting their children. Why not try some of them out?

Things to try:

Have an agreement with a friend who is also a parent.
Be there for each other so that when things get bad you can call one another and get together. The kids can play together while you talk with the other parent, find support and get some peace.
Stop what you are doing and slow yourself down.
Let your child watch T.V. or do something interesting while you sit down and slowly take five or six deep breaths. Find a way to relax for a short while.
Write about how you feel. End by writing three good things about yourself, your child, your partner, or a friend.

Ways to Distract Yourself From Your Anger:

Count backwards from 20 to 0.
Use the alphabet by saying a word that begins with each letter (apple, basket, city, dog, etc.).
Play some music you like that you can sing or hum.
Do a vigorous exercise.
Take a warm bath or shower.
Lie down and put your feet up.
Make up a tune or song and sing it.
Say words that rhyme out loud.
Look at a magazine you like.
When you get angry, say "I'm angry!!" out loud over and over again until the anger eases.
Be silly or say silly things.

Spanking Makes Parenting More Difficult for You

Remember, spanking:

Teaches the child to hit children and adults when angry.
Teaches the child to act out problems and angry feelings.
Keeps children from learning to use words to solve problems.
Tears down the self-esteem of both child and parent.
Stimulates children sexually and they frequently act out sexually as teens.
Creates physically violent behavior habits that your child will act out as a teenager.
Causes children to become afraid and withdrawn.
Erodes a child's trust and respect for you. Your youngster may then resist your guidance.
Erases the effects of your good child rearing efforts.
Creates a child who fears adults.
Prevents children from trying to learn in school because they are scared that teachers will punish them when they make mistakes.
Makes parenting children harder and harder if you frequently get angry at them. If you get angry at your kids too often, for your own sake and theirs, get professional help.

This article was published by the Contra Costa Child Care Council (2006).