When you realize you are increasingly setting limits, saying no, and scolding
your child, it is time to stop and take a close look at your child and at
your own parenting behaviors. A child’s behavior is a symptom. It is
a sign showing how well his or her normal developmental needs are being met.
To change behavior, we must first understand its cause from the point of view
of the child. When children’s needs are met, misbehavior is reduced.
Over time, these youngsters become more capable of positively directing their
own behavior.
The self-disciplined child evolves from an environment that meets his or her
developmental needs. The home environment that best meets these needs is one
that nourishes a strong sense of trust and autonomy.
Trust
From birth on, children require relationships that foster trust. Research
shows that babies who are held often and not left to cry unattended for what
seems to them like a long time (60 to 90 seconds) grow into 6- and 7-year-olds
with more stable, self-controlled and resilient personalities than those who
cry without being quickly comforted. They also are more self-disciplined and
less overly dependent. In the presence of caring adults, infants learn to
trust that others will help them. They also gain confidence in their own ability
to get the attention they need.
The development of trust depends on a predictable
environment. The young child’s
world is most predictable when relationships with important adults and children
are stable and lasting, and when daily life is composed of familiar routines.
Routines are especially important during the child’s most vulnerable times
of day: early morning, nap time, mealtime, and bedtime. At these times, being
tired or hungry tends to increase a child’s sensitivity. A regular pattern
of activity can go a long way toward guiding the child smoothly at these times.
Children who have daily routines eventually trust themselves to move securely
through the physically and emotionally frustrating parts of the day.
Why is it
so important for infants to experience trust in their world?
First, trust
promotes curiosity. Early curiosities are the seeds of later interests and
the need for achievement. When infants are attracted to a toy or a pile of
blocks, they want to reach out. They want to grasp the toy or build with the
blocks. As this curiosity wells up in them, so does a certain tension or anxiety.
The source of this anxiety is uncertainty: the child has never grasped a toy
or tried to build with blocks. If children have learned the external world
is stable and predictable, they will want to reach out. Their curiosity will
overpower their uncertainty. If they have learned the world is unstable and
unpredictable, they will not reach out. They will fear being hurt or disappointed,
and their anxiety will overpower their curiosity. Parents who create a trusting
environment in their child’s early years lay an emotional foundation
that helps the child overcome uncertainty and anxiety. The child is able to
reach out into the world with curiosity. This foundation serves the child’s
later learning and self-direction.
Second, a sense of trust in the world promotes
self-confidence. When children experience the world as a nurturing, helpful,
and predictable place, they risk reaching out to it. They show delight in
achieving their goals. Interacting with people, nature, and things becomes
an exhilarating experience. They know they can overcome anxiety, satisfy their
curiosity, and take a first step toward inner security. This interaction with
the world is called play.
When children are free to play in a trusting environment, both their delight
and their self-confidence expand. They learn they can successfully handle
situations by themselves. In time, they become less dependent upon adults
and more self-controlled.
Choice-giving
Toward the end of the first year of life, children begin to express a growing
drive for autonomy. They want to be more independent. Although the earliest
sign may be just a spark, now is the time to listen to this important need.
Give the child plenty of opportunities to exercise his or her new sense of
will in the area of daily living.
Parents don’t always allow young children
to make simple choices. Instead, their demands and requests engage young toddlers
in a struggle for selfhood. The result is strong resistance. “No!” announces
the toddler striving naturally for autonomy. This is a parent’s signal
to stop issuing demands and begin offering choices. Rather than “Now
it’s time to get dressed,” ask, “Do
you want to wear your green socks or your blue ones?” Rather than “I
want you to brush your teeth,” ask, “Do you want to brush your
teeth with your red toothbrush or your green one?” Giving choices is
a child-rearing technique in harmony with the child’s developmental
need to exercise his or her budding individuality.
The normal need to exercise
the will is extremely strong in children from about 1 to 4 years of age.
They want to make up their own minds and experience a sense of independence
from their parents. Making choices helps them achieve a healthy sense of
themselves. So offer plenty of opportunities! Even decisions that seem
trivial to you as a parent may be very significant to your toddler.
Choice-giving is vital for parents, as well. Presenting appropriate choices
can keep you from engaging in a battle of wills with your child. Present choices
that will lead toward the desired behavior. The question “Which shirt
would you like to wear today, the red or the yellow one?” leads to the
desired behavior of getting dressed. However, refrain from offering too many
or too frequent choices. This can overwhelm a child and provoke resistance
or a loss of interest.
To see if your choice-giving is experienced as effective
or overwhelming by your child, ask yourself a few questions. Does your child’s
response show you are creating alternatives that are attractive and achievable?
Does your tone of voice attract your child’s interest? Are you willing
to live with whichever option your child picks? In other words, before asking, “Would
you like to go to the playground or stay at home this afternoon?” check
to be sure both options are possible. Your child’s behavior also provides
clues. Is he or she eager for the opportunity to make a decision? If so, you
have probably been giving reasonable choices. Does he or she seem upset or
uninterested in the idea? If so, reevaluate to see if better or fewer choices
would help.
Also realize that choice-giving is not always possible. One day,
for example, you may not be able to offer a choice for breakfast. However,
you can offer choices in clothing or in the order of activities. You can always
find occasions for choice-giving in daily life.
Additional Guidelines
The following parenting skills and disciplines contribute to a nurturing environment.
These are not techniques, behavioral management strategies, or quick fixes. They
are enduring processes that inspire positive behaviors in the early years. Over
the course of time, skills and disciplines transfer from parent to child. As
a result, the child becomes his or her own disciplinary agent. The youngster
gradually becomes capable of self-regulation.
Remain physically aware. It is essential to remember that children
need a proper diet, sufficient rest, and exercise. A youngster who has
not eaten or rested enough during the day may start to act out of control.
Until the age of 7 or so, the body undergoes cycles of growth that are
often rapid and stressful. A simple breakfast, lunch, and supper cannot
provide sufficient fuel to meet the physical needs of these years. To prevent
misbehavior caused by the hunger and tiredness accompanying physical growth,
keep nutritious snacks on hand. Make sure your child has opportunities
to rest or nap each day.
Use detective skills. The successful detective looks for motivating
factors. Carefully studying the unlawful act from all sides, the detective
develops an understanding of its purpose. Then the detective begins searching
for the individual who, to satisfy personal needs, had to break the law.
Parents miss the mark when they focus attention on their child’s misbehavior.
Like a detective, you must look carefully for the underlying causes. Ask yourself, “What
needs motivated my child to act this way?” Then examine the behavior from
all perspectives. “Was my child tired, hungry, or bored?” “Are
the developmental needs for trust and autonomy being met (from my child’s
point of view)?” “Is my child receiving adequate affection, attention,
and recognition?” Using detective skills, you can usually uncover the frustrated
normal developmental need or needs that gave rise to the misbehavior. Knowing
this, you can prevent the establishment of negative behavior patterns.
Model desirable behavior. Young children reflect the attitudes
and behaviors of their parents. In fact, parental activity defines acceptable
behavior for a child. Quarreling, fighting, sarcasm, disrespect, swearing,
and hitting are powerful negative influences. Why do children imitate some
parental behaviors and not others? Young children are primarily attracted
by excited or intense behavior. It draws their attention much like a strong
magnet attracts a metal pin. For example, swearing is an intense emotional
act that has a big impact on a child. A parent’s loud voice, energized feelings, and emphatic gestures
draw a child’s attention. The child quickly senses the use of unacceptable
words and exaggerated gestures is something special, something exciting to do.
Soon the child may display the same mannerisms and vocabulary. Such misbehavior
upsets and embarrasses many parents. Some react by scolding the child for doing
what is developmentally normal—copying excited parental behaviors. Punishing
or blaming a child for demonstrating these behaviors will not correct the problem.
Parental self-discipline will. The well-disciplined adult produces the well-disciplined
child.
Express your enthusiasm. The magnetic influence of parental excitement
can be used to good purpose. For example, to encourage the enjoyment of
books, you might share your own excitement while reading stories. By enthusiastically
calling attention to a picture, you can inspire your child’s interest
in it. Parents who consistently show they are interested in and excited
by a valued activity also generate and sustain their child’s interest
in it.
Of course, authenticity is important for success. Your interest needs
to be real. Going through the motions of being excited won’t inspire
your child’s
interest. Children readily detect phony efforts.
Deal effectively with misbehavior. When misbehavior occurs, some
parenting dos and don’ts can make all the difference. If a child hits someone and
the parent responds by yelling or spanking, the parent’s actions demonstrate
that yelling and hitting are okay. Parents who discipline by shouting or spanking
sow the seeds for their child’s later adoption of these behaviors. The
wise parent, on the other hand, will address the misbehavior directly in a nonthreatening
manner. If your child hits someone, use your detective skills, yes! But also
go calmly to your child, bend down so you are at eye level, and be sure you have
your child’s attention. Then explain calmly and seriously, “In this
family, we do not hit.”
Putting It All Together
Here is how one mother used these principles with her 2-1/2-year-old
son. She was in the living room talking with a friend when her son began
to interrupt their conversation. Using her detective skills, she realized
her son needed someone to pay attention to him. She excused herself momentarily
from the conversation, gathered some of his favorite toys, and placed them
in a corner of the room where she could see them. For a little while, she
played with her son and conveyed her excitement in what he was doing. After
he became actively engaged in play, she returned to her conversation with
her friend.
This mother could have scolded her son for interrupting, but
she chose not to do so. She looked beyond the overt behavior to determine
what developmental needs might have caused it. Then she creatively addressed
the situation.
This
approach to guiding a child’s behavior works best when it is practiced
from the time of birth. When we bring wonder and enthusiasm to a child’s
world from the start, the child’s later play, learning, and behavior
will reflect active, self-directed interest. But it is never too late to
begin. Adopting new parenting behaviors in later years, although they may
not produce immediate results, can make a tremendous difference in the
long run. Don’t be disappointed
if at first your child resists the new way. The vital key to the development
of a self-disciplined child is perseverance. Keep at it!
Self-discipline
comes easily and naturally to children who are well guided. Strive to create
a responsive environment that meets developmental needs—one that
fosters trust and encourages autonomy. Learn to view behavior as a symptom.
Ask yourself, “What caused my child to behave that way?” Model
desirable actions and extend personal enthusiasm to your child’s
world. When misbehaviors arise, deal with them in a straightforward way.
The path to the self-disciplined child is the path shown by self-disciplined
adults.
An earlier version of this article was published in Mothering magazine,
1989, 52(2), 98–103.
