Thinking Outside the Box

Decisions made in family court that affect the life of the young child, but that are not based on well-researched theories of psycho-social development, such as attachment theory, hurt the very validity of the court. These decisions also can result in short- or even long-term psychological damage to the individual.

In many states, young children do not have legal representation of their own. Every child should have the right to have his or her developmental needs fully described in court. That child’s unique life history must be understood if informed decisions are to be made on his or her behalf, and appropriate parenting plans created. This requires an understanding of the research as well as of the individual child. It cannot be accomplished by lawyers alone. Children also need advocates who understand developmental theory and research, and their particular needs.

When evaluating a parenting plan, toddlers and preschoolers have the ability to indicate how well it is working. Even nonverbal infants can express their needs in a subtle manner. Advocates are essential at this stage, as well, to let the court know if the plan is working. When will this vital process become standard in the family court system? It seems we have a long road to travel.

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TO WHOM DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO TAKE THEIR PROBLEMS FIRST?

by Peter Ernest Haiman, Ph.D.

When you are with your child and something or someone upsets you, do you tell your youngster how you feel? If not, why not? Do you ever speak with your adolescent regarding the worries you have about a decision you need to make? If you do, great! If not, what keeps you from doing so? How can children be expected to speak with their parents about uncomfortable feelings and problems if their parents do not first talk about some of their own difficulties in front of their children?

Research tells us that the parent is the most important role model in a child's life. Most parents, however, fail to use this influence as effectively as they might in the area of parent-child communications. Very few parents are aware that admitting their own vulnerabilities and weaknesses to their child can be seen by the child or adolescent as a sign of the parent's strength. Most parents feel they must always appear to be strong, right, and without anxieties in front of their children and teenagers. Youth eventually see this facade for what it is: a cover-up of fears and weaknesses. More importantly, in the eyes of a teenager, it is seen as a false self and a lie. When this young person needs an emotionally strong, resilient, and genuine parent upon whom to rely, and with whom to develop and mature, the adolescent senses such a parent is not there for them. This is one reason so many teens feel lost, become depressed, and turn to peers and/or drugs.

Parents must talk with their young children, and especially with teenagers, about the truth that each person has his or her own fears, and each has weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Each person also has strengths. A person's awareness of and ability to talk about their concerns, worries, and fears is, in itself, a strength. Having these feelings is not a weakness. Every person has them. Weakness is not being able to speak openly and honestly about them.